Return to Stories Menu

by Destrier

For full appreciation of this, first listen to the late, great Johnny Cash singing A Boy Named Sue, then imagine him singing this!

When I was ten my father left home;
Dad was a wizard and inclined to roam,
But before he left he put me under a spell.
Now I don’t know what Dad was thinkin’:
My best guess is he’d prob’ly been drinkin’,
But he turned my life into a living Hell.

When I turned twelve, things started to grow,
And I don’t mean facial hair, you know:
I dropped to all fours and I started to whinny and neigh.
I grew a mane and a long, flowing tail,
And four sturdy hooves to tread the trail,
And all I wanted to eat was grass and hay.

I ducked my head and to my surprise,
The wrong set of plumbing met my eyes:
I whinnied, “No, Dad! That just isn’t fair!”
Now it’s quite a shock to become a horse,
But my curse was worse than that, of course:
That Son of a Bitch had turned me into a MARE!

Now life as a stallion might have been kind of cool,
But all I felt like right now was a fool,
And I swore to myself that Dad had better take care:
I set out on the road that day,
Determined to make that damned fool pay,
‘Cos I tell you, life ain’t easy for a boy turned mare!

Well, life quickly went from bad to worse,
As I struggled to survive under that curse:
It was almost more than I could stand to bear.
I soon learned to kick like an angry mule,
And I schooled my teeth to be quick and cruel:
Dad, you’ll rue the day you made me a mare!

At first men tried to capture me,
But soon learned; better to set me free:
I bucked and I reared and I launched men through the air.
As I made my way across the land,
I dodged every rope and bit every hand,
And I laughed at their efforts and taught them to Fear The Mare!

Stallions eyed me to no avail:
Pity the stud that chased my tail!
They soon gave up and ran from me in despair.
News ran ahead from herd to herd:
This is one filly that won’t be deterred.
They soon learned not to mess with a boy turned mare!

Well, months passed by, then without forewarning,
I chanced on a wizard one stormy morning:
It was my own Dad, just lazing without a care.
I shattered his staff with a hoof shod in steel,
And challenged him with a furious squeal;

Well, I have to hand it to my Dad:
He went from full sleep to fighting mad,
And before I knew it he was calling fire from the sky!
A bridle of lightning circled my face,
And a saddle of flame I couldn’t displace,
And he jumped on my back with a mighty yodelling cry.

I’d tossed men from my back before,
But this one just wouldn’t hit the floor:
Magic held him glued onto my back.
So I dashed his legs against a wall,
Then rolled on him when he still wouldn’t fall,
And he cried out in pain as I heard a nasty crack.

Well, I jumped to my feet and turned around,
And I stood over him and pawed the ground,
And he clutched his leg and moaned, “Do I know you?”
Well I ask you, what sort of question was that?
And I snarled at him in his wizard’s hat,
And I said, “Yeah, Dad, I really think you do!”

His eyes opened wide and he looked kind of dazed,
And his mouth fell open as at me he gazed,
And he said, “Who did this to you? I’ll get them, I swear!”
Well, I slammed a hoof just an inch from his head,
As he stared up at me in fear and dread,
And I squealed, “It was you! YOU turned me into a mare!”

Well, he went so pale I thought him dead,
Then he slowly began to blush bright red.
He tried to speak but he just couldn’t find the air.
At last he raised his head to me,
As he lay there grasping his busted knee,
And he said…

“Ah. Oops. Curse this dyslexia. I meant to make you town mayor.”

The End